Anything written after this section is part of the intended humour. Any disclaimers or legal references are neither real nor factual. Thank you.
Disclaimer;
The ideas in this story are not based upon any real persons and are intended for the purpose of entertainment only. Any similarities between real people and the characters in this story are coincidental and not intended by the author. Despite appearances and constant use of “he” and “him” the author originally intended the character of Coleman as a female. However, he would like to leave the gender of Coleman and his age up to the reader. The author does not read COSMO (all rights reserved). He doesn’t even know that it’s a women’s magazine. If you asked him; what is it that most annoys you about COSMO (all rights reserved) magazine? He wouldn’t answer “the stupid cosmetic surgery adverts at the end after the countless pictures of commercially “perfect” women” because that would be ridiculous; he hasn’t even read the women’s magazine. He doesn’t even know that it comes out once a month.
Coleman and the Ciaran
Part 3 – The room that had the correct number of windows and furniture yet was somehow tarnished by the presence of a chair on drugs (the beginning of something new)
It was a dark and despairingly lonesome street. The lamppost light was in a constant state of indecision and a desperate state of repair. Timorously walking down the street was a man. This man was making his way to a suspicious yet somehow inconspicuous street corner. With constant checks over his shoulder he gradually decreased the distance between him and the aforementioned street corner. The man in question had unnaturally straight; naturally straight black hair giving him a character that appeared somewhat alien to us mere beings with curly or wavy hair. As he passed under the lamppost the light flickered on briefly and reflected off the man’s glasses. This was clear proof that he should of gone to Specsavers (all rights…you get the idea). As he reached the corner another man appeared from the darkness. This man had clearly been to Specsavers (ARR).
“Simon?” the man whispered hurriedly to the other man who had previously been walking down the street. “Where art thou heroin?” the man replied, confirming his identity as the aforementioned; Simon. “The heroin is in ones coat, you have ones money I presume?” the drug dealer replied. Simon pulled an envelope from his long black jacket and showed its contents to the dealer. The dealer was positively pleased with what he saw. He took a drug filled plastic bag from his own coat and placed it in Simon’s hand in exchange for the cash filled envelope. “I guess you’re new to this town?” the drug dealer asked in an attempt to make conversation. “yes” replied Simon. “I am from the
The next morning Ciaran and Zoe were completely their morning ritual before heading off to their separate classes. The pub and an “ology” disrespectively. By this time they had been together for at least 8.3 issues of Cosmo (all…fuck it) and had developed a bond that no other couple would envy. This bond can be characterised by the amount of time spent at either an alcohol dispensary or at the pub.
At this precise moment in time three very uninteresting and terribly boring things were happening; Zoe was about to meet the man who may change her life and Ciarans for ever, Ciaran was about to be yet again humiliated by Coleman while attempting to be “hip” and up to date on the current political climate and Simons drug dealer was entering Specsavers (ARR).
Zoe had many characteristics regarding her taste in men. One, as we all know too well, is her like of tall, mysterious and drunkenly depressed men. One of the others was about to come to light; her liking of thin, straight haired, drug addled men who don’t go to Specsavers (all rights reserved). On entering her class she bumped into the teacher of the “ology” which may have began with ‘P’. This woman had a reputation as a fire eating male (despite being female) who set ridiculous amounts of work for incredulously short amounts of time causing stress and laziness amongst many of her students. Zoe was one of these afore mentioned students, she is such an indolent individual and really never does any work. After a few exchanged glares she cast her eyes across the rest of the room which had all the correct number of windows and furniture yet was somehow tarnished by the presence of a chair on drugs. Upon this chair the “newboy” Simon was sat.
Her eyes fixed on his eyes. It was clear to her that he didn’t go to Specsavers (you know the score), she jumped around momentarily in anticipation. In that single moment she forgot all about Ciaran and was overcome with a burning desire. As her eyes cast further down Simon’s being she noticed the heroin needle Simon was plunging into his arm. This was the man of her dreams. Zoe’s head was spinning with thoughts that I daren’t mention in this sentence. She was thinking of talking to this man, even walking to his local drug dealer with him. These were thoughts that she had never had for any other man. It felt so wrong, these were thoughts her stoutly religious parents had warned her about; “you will go blind”, “hair will grow on your palms” they had strongly warned her. Yet it felt right to her while being so wrong. She swiftly and gracefully crossed the room and sat on the chair that was positioned on the left of Simon and before she knew it was locked in a long and physically sickening to watch…walk to the drug dealer. This was passion like she had never felt before.
At this point in time Ciaran was entering the pub. Inside the pub was the rest of his class; Harry, Chewie, Frodo, Uma Thurman and Bill. Also present was Coleman and Coleman’s good friend, teacher and retired Fisherman; Mr Thomas Haye. Yet again they were engaged a heated debate about current affairs. This time it was a lighter hearted subject that concerned the state of the current economy and the failings of a capitalist country that will nationalise banks in the face of a recession or the so called “credit-crunch”. Ciaran, however, misheard Coleman’s loud remark about this subject and believed he heard the words “brightly coloured shirts are an abomination in my eyes” when actually Coleman had said “Communist pansies”. This easily made mistake led Ciaran to yet again interpose his point of view into the debate, albeit the incorrect one. Waving his bottle of cheap but strong alcohol he slurred the incoherent sentence “if thou is to believe that brightly coloured apparel of the shirt kind is an abomination then thou are supposedly ready to believe that if one was to wear art thou Technicolor dream shirt then a musical and biblical story would ensue”. Coleman was at first shocked into silence, it is not everyday he hears such outrageously obtuse drunken outbursts of politically flavoured drivel. After a short while of exchanged looks Coleman pointed at Ciaran and, in his best announcer’s voice (which, may I add, is very good), boomed the words “you fool”. This wondrously crafted piece of rhymed verse served to not only show the surrounding people the biblical idiocy of Ciaran but also the far superior intellect of Coleman. At this point Coleman was hoisted into the air and, on Thomas Hayes’ initiative, paraded out the door and around the surrounding town to an increasing crowd who were trying to just glimpse the man who commanded poetry like no other.
Ciaran remained in the pub wallowing in his shame and self piety. Downing pints at a time he tried in vain to sober up. Deep down, he knew that if he was to be abstemious from drink he would only fall back in to the trap of unrequited love. (What a goof)
Little known to Ciaran, Zoe was busily engaging in the unthinkable acts of walking and worst of all talking with another man...BANG…Blasphemy. By this point in time she had remembered her relationship with Ciaran but wished not to hurt him. She told Simon of this other man and they agreed to live life as a lie. It was at this moment that the terrible affair began. The depth at which this affair was to go can be seen when you gain the knowledge that even by the first day Simon and Zoe went as far to have their own afternoon ritual that was not to dissimilar to that of Ciaran and Zoe’s morning ritual.
Lies and deceit are to ensue but who will win Zoe’s heart? And, who desires it the most? Read next whenevers issue for another installment of; Coleman and the Ciaran.
