Dr Coleman, the Faust Parody – Part One

Dr Coleman, the Faust Parody – Part One

The Start of the End

Disclaimer;

The ideas in this story are not based upon any real persons and are intended for the purpose of entertainment only. Any similarities between real people and the characters in this story are coincidental and not intended by the author. Despite appearances and constant use of “he” and “him” the author originally intended the character of Coleman as a female. However, he would like to leave the gender of Coleman and his age up to the reader. The author is in no way trying to suggest that maths is the devils subject but can see how that conclusion may be drawn. If you do not understand the story then please feel free to familiarise your self with the works of Marlowe and in particular, the play of Dr Faustus, you may see some similarities.

Coleman sat tensely in his office of learning, thoughts racing through his head. Hunger for knowledge, power and cherry pie filled his every deliberation. Coleman, that great thinker, needed more. He found no satisfaction in the normal realms of knowledge. Having exhausted the subjects of two tone ties and multicoloured shirts, he wanted more. Thirsty for a greater understanding he turned to the three people he knew could offer this salvation. Deep inside the darkest corner of Stowmarket High School was a little known collective called “Maths”. The gate keepers to the realms of “E Block”, as it became known, held great mystery across the school. This sense of anonymity lured Coleman in. After fighting his way through Drama students and other assorted monsters he reached the sacred “Blue Doors of Hamilton” named after a well known and feared Scottish dragon that once ruled the realms of “E Block”. Smoke swelled from the double doors which could mysteriously be pushed or pulled and a dark aroma of tobacco and Jack Daniels (all rights…) filled the corridor. Beyond this door lay power and knowledge which could fill even Coleman’s greatest desires, the world of Maths was only one push, or pull, away. Coleman called upon the great three of Maths; “Ye beasts of Hamilton, step forth and bring me the power I seeketh”.  Both doors crept open revealing the defined silhouettes of three most mysterious people. In the middle lay an afro so large and so curly many would turn and run at just a glance, the owner of this afro held a glass in his hand with a mysterious brown liquid swilling with in. To the left and right were two shorter men appearing devilishly from the smoke, one sporting a wider berth and a selection of reduced food from Asda (ARR) while the other was slimmer and held food that he had reduced himself in shop known as “Tesco”. These three characters were widely known across the school as Lewis, a man so tall he can see into the future, Hsoj, a man so cruel he once cut his own sons hand off in a playful game of Star Wars (I would say all rights reserved but meh, not as if it’s a multi national brand) and Mole, a man known for being better than Tom Horrex at football. These three men stepped forth with ominous and dark music surrounding them. “Sorry that’s my phone” Hsoj darkly declared before reaching into his pocket and hanging up. Coleman almost ran from the terrifying nature of these three men but he knew that stay he must do if he wanted power and knowledge above all else. “I have come to learneth the ways of Maths and expand my knowledge and power beyond all horizons” Coleman boldly announced to the three figures. “If it is power you seek then Maths is answer to your every desire” Lewis declared. “Follow us if you wish to learn of our ways”. On this all three turned into the smoke and Coleman could do nothing but follow.

In the loud and happy library two friends of Coleman were discussing his many attributes, I would add snippets of their conversation but it’s hard to lie. While discussing the reputation Coleman held across the school as a great man of learning these two friends became worried as to his whereabouts. “Have you seen him upon this day? As I have only once glanced him and he looked most distressed” one friend worriedly dejected. “Well I must concur with your observation as last I saw him he was fighting of Drama students in a bid to reach what seemed to be the “E Block”. Fearing the fate of their most intelligible friend both left the happy confines of the library to seek out Coleman’s loyal assistant who went by the German sounding name of Soanes. Upon finding Soanes both friends tried to interrogate Coleman’s whereabouts out of him but were only to be misled and out witted by Soanes’ youthful sense of humour and intelligence. It was only after a long parry of word games between the two parties that Coleman’s location and his company was revealed. “You will find him in the darkest depths of the E Block, with the three that reside there for his closest company”. On hearing this black revelation the two friends’ fears were confirmed. “Those three have dark repute within this school, their dealings are not of this world, I fear greatly for Coleman’s soul” one friend announced “If he has reached past the blue doors then I fear his soul is already lost, it is a terrible shame to lose such an immensely intelligible man”. On this both friends retired to their separate living quarters with a sense of grave loss hanging in their hearts.  

Deep inside the depths of “E Block” Coleman and the three gatekeepers were walking towards an open door, before reaching this door a small and useless teacher shot out from the classroom in a migraine fuelled stupor, with the smell of Lynx Africa following her. Coleman was taken back in surprise at the unintelligible creature found inside this supposedly knowledgeable place and Lewis, apparent leader of the guardians, explained its existence; “Yeah, not even Rentokil (ARR) can remove her. We even tried humane methods”. At this Coleman nodded, realising it was no more than a pest control problem, hygiene was terrible everywhere these days. After entering the classroom the three motioned Coleman to sit while they used a pre-prepared PowerPoint presentation made by the famous Matt Reason (all rights reserved) to convince Coleman of the power Maths would bring to his own self. Coleman learned that with it he could move mountains, steal riches, make mockery of religious figures and many more pointless and material actions that despite not bringing him any real sense power convinced the great intellectual man to turn to the ways of Maths. Coleman became hungry for this apparent power he could so easily gain and demanded of the great three what he must do to secure it as his. To this they replied in three separate tasks, “You must summon the evil beast of maths and submit to its demands, only then shall you have a minion to serve your every wish” boomed Lewis. “Then you must rid the school of useless and ineffective Maths teachers which led to our poor performance in the recent Ofsted report, I mean, Satisfactory? Come on, were awesome” proclaimed Hsoj. “And finally, if you wish to reach your highest ambitions then you must stop the action of toe punting in football” Mole fiercely enforced. Coleman was shaking, terrified by the vast nature of these demands. He wanted nothing more than the power these three people offered him but he felt that maybe the risk was too high; however, it took no more than an offer of cherry pie to quickly convince Coleman to choose the path of Mathematics. “I can not deny the power you offer me and I know only Maths can bring it to me, your arguments are most convincing and I feel it impossible to decline your terms, I will meeteth all of your demands if I have your word that everything you say shall be true” Coleman unshakably declared. “You have our word and you shall not be denied the power you seek if you see to our three demands in full” the three guardians darkly chimed in unison. “Then show me the books I need to summon the beast and leave this room at once” Coleman boomed, returning to his confident and domineering ways. The three guardians submitted at once, showing him towards the great book of Maths which went by the title of “Pure Mathematics Two” and immediately left the room. Coleman delicately peeled the book open and renounced his old beliefs as he started to chant the spell found within. “Latinus chanti shal bringnus math carpo Devilum, Cometh carpo beastium untoium our globali earthium, cometh greati Jakodellies, CARPO JAK ODELL”. Coleman collapsed to the floor on his last bellow and all energy left him, he had put every part of him into summoning the great beast of Maths. The floor started to spin, smoke filled the room and Coleman was forced to close his eyes in fear, “oh what have I done, forgive me” he cried out as the world seemed to close around him. Then, silence, the room stopped spinning and in the middle appeared a hairy and red beast that could incite fear into any being that even glanced at it, the beast was Jak Odell. 

Can’t wait for the next instalment? Then tough luck because you will get it when I feel like it.  Obviously most people don’t even read these stories but I am my own source of entertainment.

Coleman and the Ciaran - Part 3

Anything written after this section is part of the intended humour. Any disclaimers or legal references are neither real nor factual. Thank you. 

 

 

Disclaimer;

The ideas in this story are not based upon any real persons and are intended for the purpose of entertainment only. Any similarities between real people and the characters in this story are coincidental and not intended by the author. Despite appearances and constant use of “he” and “him” the author originally intended the character of Coleman as a female. However, he would like to leave the gender of Coleman and his age up to the reader. The author does not read COSMO (all rights reserved). He doesn’t even know that it’s a women’s magazine. If you asked him; what is it that most annoys you about COSMO (all rights reserved) magazine? He wouldn’t answer “the stupid cosmetic surgery adverts at the end after the countless pictures of commercially “perfect” women” because that would be ridiculous; he hasn’t even read the women’s magazine. He doesn’t even know that it comes out once a month.

Coleman and the Ciaran

Part 3 – The room that had the correct number of windows and furniture yet was somehow tarnished by the presence of a chair on drugs (the beginning of something new)

 

It was a dark and despairingly lonesome street. The lamppost light was in a constant state of indecision and a desperate state of repair. Timorously walking down the street was a man. This man was making his way to a suspicious yet somehow inconspicuous street corner. With constant checks over his shoulder he gradually decreased the distance between him and the aforementioned street corner. The man in question had unnaturally straight; naturally straight black hair giving him a character that appeared somewhat alien to us mere beings with curly or wavy hair. As he passed under the lamppost the light flickered on briefly and reflected off the man’s glasses. This was clear proof that he should of gone to Specsavers (all rights…you get the idea).  As he reached the corner another man appeared from the darkness. This man had clearly been to Specsavers (ARR).

“Simon?” the man whispered hurriedly to the other man who had previously been walking down the street. “Where art thou heroin?” the man replied, confirming his identity as the aforementioned; Simon. “The heroin is in ones coat, you have ones money I presume?” the drug dealer replied. Simon pulled an envelope from his long black jacket and showed its contents to the dealer. The dealer was positively pleased with what he saw. He took a drug filled plastic bag from his own coat and placed it in Simon’s hand in exchange for the cash filled envelope. “I guess you’re new to this town?” the drug dealer asked in an attempt to make conversation. “yes” replied Simon. “I am from the USA, I have wanted to move to Britain ever since visiting on holiday. I heard the heroin supply is top notch”. To this the drug dealer replied; “you are most thin for an American. In future I can have a small male chav deliver heroin to your door on a girl’s bike if you’re interested in getting fat?”. “Why that is most kind of you but I do enjoy a suspicious looking walk now and then so I am afraid I shall be declining your offer”. On this note Simon started off back in the direction from whence he came.

The next morning Ciaran and Zoe were completely their morning ritual before heading off to their separate classes. The pub and an “ology” disrespectively. By this time they had been together for at least 8.3 issues of Cosmo (all…fuck it) and had developed a bond that no other couple would envy. This bond can be characterised by the amount of time spent at either an alcohol dispensary or at the pub.

 

At this precise moment in time three very uninteresting and terribly boring things were happening; Zoe was about to meet the man who may change her life and Ciarans for ever, Ciaran was about to be yet again humiliated by Coleman while attempting to be “hip” and up to date on the current political climate and Simons drug dealer was entering Specsavers (ARR).

 

Zoe had many characteristics regarding her taste in men. One, as we all know too well, is her like of tall, mysterious and drunkenly depressed men. One of the others was about to come to light; her liking of thin, straight haired, drug addled men who don’t go to Specsavers (all rights reserved). On entering her class she bumped into the teacher of the “ology” which may have began with ‘P’. This woman had a reputation as a fire eating male (despite being female) who set ridiculous amounts of work for incredulously short amounts of time causing stress and laziness amongst many of her students. Zoe was one of these afore mentioned students, she is such an indolent individual and really never does any work. After a few exchanged glares she cast her eyes across the rest of the room which had all the correct number of windows and furniture yet was somehow tarnished by the presence of a chair on drugs. Upon this chair the “newboy” Simon was sat.

 

Her eyes fixed on his eyes. It was clear to her that he didn’t go to Specsavers (you know the score), she jumped around momentarily in anticipation. In that single moment she forgot all about Ciaran and was overcome with a burning desire. As her eyes cast further down Simon’s being she noticed the heroin needle Simon was plunging into his arm. This was the man of her dreams. Zoe’s head was spinning with thoughts that I daren’t mention in this sentence. She was thinking of talking to this man, even walking to his local drug dealer with him. These were thoughts that she had never had for any other man. It felt so wrong, these were thoughts her stoutly religious parents had warned her about; “you will go blind”, “hair will grow on your palms” they had strongly warned her. Yet it felt right to her while being so wrong. She swiftly and gracefully crossed the room and sat on the chair that was positioned on the left of Simon and before she knew it was locked in a long and physically sickening to watch…walk to the drug dealer. This was passion like she had never felt before.

 

At this point in time Ciaran was entering the pub. Inside the pub was the rest of his class; Harry, Chewie, Frodo, Uma Thurman and Bill. Also present was Coleman and Coleman’s good friend, teacher and retired Fisherman; Mr Thomas Haye. Yet again they were engaged a heated debate about current affairs. This time it was a lighter hearted subject that concerned the state of the current economy and the failings of a capitalist country that will nationalise banks in the face of a recession or the so called “credit-crunch”. Ciaran, however, misheard Coleman’s loud remark about this subject and believed he heard the words “brightly coloured shirts are an abomination in my eyes” when actually Coleman had said “Communist pansies”. This easily made mistake led Ciaran to yet again interpose his point of view into the debate, albeit the incorrect one. Waving his bottle of cheap but strong alcohol he slurred the incoherent sentence “if thou is to believe that brightly coloured apparel of the shirt kind is an abomination then thou are supposedly ready to believe that if one was to wear art thou Technicolor dream shirt then a musical and biblical story would ensue”. Coleman was at first shocked into silence, it is not everyday he hears such outrageously obtuse drunken outbursts of politically flavoured drivel. After a short while of exchanged looks Coleman pointed at Ciaran and, in his best announcer’s voice (which, may I add, is very good), boomed the words “you fool”. This wondrously crafted piece of rhymed verse served to not only show the surrounding people the biblical idiocy of Ciaran but also the far superior intellect of Coleman. At this point Coleman was hoisted into the air and, on Thomas Hayes’ initiative, paraded out the door and around the surrounding town to an increasing crowd who were trying to just glimpse the man who commanded poetry like no other.

 

Ciaran remained in the pub wallowing in his shame and self piety. Downing pints at a time he tried in vain to sober up. Deep down, he knew that if he was to be abstemious from drink he would only fall back in to the trap of unrequited love. (What a goof)

 

Little known to Ciaran, Zoe was busily engaging in the unthinkable acts of walking and worst of all talking with another man...BANG…Blasphemy. By this point in time she had remembered her relationship with Ciaran but wished not to hurt him. She told Simon of this other man and they agreed to live life as a lie. It was at this moment that the terrible affair began. The depth at which this affair was to go can be seen when you gain the knowledge that even by the first day Simon and Zoe went as far to have their own afternoon ritual that was not to dissimilar to that of Ciaran and Zoe’s morning ritual.

 

Lies and deceit are to ensue but who will win Zoe’s heart? And, who desires it the most? Read next whenevers issue for another installment of; Coleman and the Ciaran.

 

Coleman and the Ciaran - Part 2 - The room that hath all the correct number of tables and chairs but a lack of windows

Anything written after this section is part of the intended humour. Any disclaimers or legal references are neither real or factual. Thank you.

Disclaimer;

The ideas in this story are not based upon any real persons and are intended for the purpose of entertainment only. Any similarities between real people and the characters in this story are coincidental and not intended by the author. Despite appearances and constant use of “he” and “him” the author originally intended the character of Coleman as a female. However, he would like to leave the gender of Coleman and his age up to the reader.

Coleman and the Ciaran

Part 2 - The room that hath all the correct number of tables and chairs but a lack of windows

Ciaran became progressively less drunk and alcohol dependent as time passed and lived happily knowing that he had Zoe by his side. Despite occasional lapses Ciaran scarcely thought of his past life…one that could have been shared with Coleman. However, it was one of these so called “lapses” that almost led his downfall. Bang…FLASHBACK.

Precisely 6.3 issues of Cosmo (all rights reserved) passed since Ciaran had found Zoe and turned his life around. He was no longer a dangerously depressed drunk and had been transformed into a slightly unhappy heavy drinker. This change was remarked at by many; “Ciaran! You’re walking again! Congratulations!” and “well done you made it up those stairs after only three tries, I’m impressed!” were the common phrases that would reach Ciarans slightly alcoholic ears on a semi regular basis. Despite this impressive progress in Ciarans social standing and love life it did not take much to drop him back into a dark and deadly hole…with only one ladder…which had only two rungs (Yeah, get out of that one fatty).

It was a Thursday, Ciaran and Zoe had completed their morning ritual and promptly departed to their separate destinations; Physics and an “ology” respectively. Ciaran was looking forward to physics because Mr Thomas Haye (renowned politician and teacher) allowed him to drink alcohol if he got an answer correct. For obvious reasons Ciaran never managed to find an answer that was suitable to the questions being asked and so, was never allowed to drink but memory is what memory is and Ciaran never seemed to generate the capacity to retain this fact. On entering the room, that hath all the correct number of furnishings but a distinct lack of windows, Ciaran came across Coleman and Thomas Haye engaging in a heated discussion about the merits and demerits of multi-coloured ties, a highly debated subject in the press at that time. For a reason unknown to even Ciaran himself he felt compelled to join and add his point of view into the discussion; “Wear art thou multi coloured ties and all sense of fashion is deemed be lost, yet if thee is to wear thou two tone tie then dignity is to remain” Ciaran drunkenly dejected into conversation. To this Coleman turned and replied “fuck off you blithering idiot” this was seconded by many of his classmates who found it with in themselves to cry out “hear hear” and “you go girl”. A sudden look of longing materialised on Ciarans face as he stared deep into Colemans eyes; “Coleman, my love for you still remains in the depths of my badly repaired heart” he said “can you not see the pain you caused?”. To this Coleman did not even grace him with words and planted a firm kick to balls. Ciaran collapsed to the floor and started to sob. Tears rolled down his face like beads of water on something very unsightly (yeah ugly…what you going to do?). His sobs turned to yells of pain as he realised his love for Coleman still remained and further still shall not be requited. Ciaran fled from the classroom clutching his Bottle in a drunken, painful and emotionally wrecked stupor.

Ciaran was to be later found on a bench. He realised that his lapse of uncontrolled feelings was to be blamed on the lack of drink he had that morning leading to an imbalanced state of mind. He used this to tell himself that he did not love Coleman anymore and that was the alcohol, or the lack of it, talking. He searched high and…well, somewhere between low and medium height, for Zoe and eventually found her slacking, as usual, in the pub. He told her that he had made a grave mistake but it was all okay now and from now on everything is going to be a lot better and involve a lot more alcohol. “YAY” Zoe energetically replied and jumped around a bit before busily returning to her previous state of being slackfull. They were both feeling happy (albeit for different reasons) sat in the pub for Ciaran had his alcohol and Zoe had her Ciaran.

Read next whenevers issue for another instalment of; Coleman and the Ciaran.

Coleman and the Ciaran - Part one - The Room That Hath No Chairs

Anything written after this section is part of the intended humour. Any disclaimers or legal references are neither real or factual. Thank you.

Disclaimer;

The ideas in this story are not based upon any real persons and are intended for the purpose of entertainment only. Any similarities between real people and the characters in this story are coincidental and not intended by the author. Despite appearances and constant use of “he” and “him” the author originally intended the character of Coleman as a female. However, he would like to leave the gender of Coleman and his age up to the reader.

Coleman and the Ciaran:

Part One - The Room That Hath No Chairs

Tom walked into the room and was most displeased with what he saw. Upon the floor were no tables and a distinct lack of chairs. Despite these major setbacks he strived to find pleasure in learning with or without the support of vital furnishings. "My pencil and paper is all I need to create an atmosphere in which I can learn to the maximum capacity required of me in these stressful times". He donned his headphones and set to work, pencil in hand.

Tom spent the next few hours scribbling away until he could think no more; "is this an equation I see before me?" He cried out in despair. It was at this moment that the mysterious and reserved Ciaran entered the room that hath no furniture and declared his undying love; "Coleman, Coleman, where for art thou Coleman. I love thee" to which Coleman replied; "Push off Ciaran I've told you before, my only undying love is for the art that is mathematics." On hearing this Ciaran fell to his knees, his heart stopped and time slowed to a halt “how could this be? My one true love does not love thee in return” Ciaran thought to himself. It was as if a part of him had died and the terrific loss was too much for his small childish mind to take. Tears streaked from his eyes but his face showed no shame, just sorrow and longing, longing for a time when he and Coleman could have been at peace together. It was the realisation that this could no longer be that drove Ciaran slowly to the toxic devil that is; drink.

It was slow at first, no one noticed the great man that was once Ciaran slowly fall into decline, not even the man himself. But as the stench of alcohol slowly became the stench of Ciaran people started to talk; “Alchy” they would sometimes cough in passing, along with the cry of “wine-oh” maybe shouted down the corridor. This served to only push Ciaran into a deeper, darker and increasingly drink dependent depression.

Numerous days, Weeks and issues of Cosmo (all rights reserved) passed until light was eventually glimpsed at the end of a very, very drunk tunnel. This light came in the form of a woman. And she was not any woman, she was a Zoe woman. This mysterious blonde had many features of a normal woman but there was one thing that set her apart from the rest; her liking of tall, mysterious and drunkenly depressed men, (And many other incredibly nice and flattering characteristics, as not to offend her in anyway...she is not real…no…why would you think that?).

At first glimpse of this woman Ciaran turned to his closest imaginary friend and proclaimed; “A light, a most beautiful light, I love thee with much heart and with all my will I must woo she that steps before me” to this his friend thoughtfully replied “Fuck off you drunk”. “Banish thee, ye treacherous imagination for I shall drink no more!” he proudly proclaimed and was surreptitiously impressed by his capability to talk so clearly while being so incredibly inebriated.

From this day forth Ciaran was to never again to touch the drink (that is never in the comparative sense), for he hath sworn not to touch a drop until he hath wooed his beloved ‘Zoe’. Following this was a lot of boring material about how they fell in love and gradually grew closer together. However, this is not where the tale reaches its conclusion. . . . . . .

Read next whenevers issue for another instalment of; Coleman and the Ciaran.