Dr Coleman, the Faust Parody – Part One

Dr Coleman, the Faust Parody – Part One

The Start of the End

Disclaimer;

The ideas in this story are not based upon any real persons and are intended for the purpose of entertainment only. Any similarities between real people and the characters in this story are coincidental and not intended by the author. Despite appearances and constant use of “he” and “him” the author originally intended the character of Coleman as a female. However, he would like to leave the gender of Coleman and his age up to the reader. The author is in no way trying to suggest that maths is the devils subject but can see how that conclusion may be drawn. If you do not understand the story then please feel free to familiarise your self with the works of Marlowe and in particular, the play of Dr Faustus, you may see some similarities.

Coleman sat tensely in his office of learning, thoughts racing through his head. Hunger for knowledge, power and cherry pie filled his every deliberation. Coleman, that great thinker, needed more. He found no satisfaction in the normal realms of knowledge. Having exhausted the subjects of two tone ties and multicoloured shirts, he wanted more. Thirsty for a greater understanding he turned to the three people he knew could offer this salvation. Deep inside the darkest corner of Stowmarket High School was a little known collective called “Maths”. The gate keepers to the realms of “E Block”, as it became known, held great mystery across the school. This sense of anonymity lured Coleman in. After fighting his way through Drama students and other assorted monsters he reached the sacred “Blue Doors of Hamilton” named after a well known and feared Scottish dragon that once ruled the realms of “E Block”. Smoke swelled from the double doors which could mysteriously be pushed or pulled and a dark aroma of tobacco and Jack Daniels (all rights…) filled the corridor. Beyond this door lay power and knowledge which could fill even Coleman’s greatest desires, the world of Maths was only one push, or pull, away. Coleman called upon the great three of Maths; “Ye beasts of Hamilton, step forth and bring me the power I seeketh”.  Both doors crept open revealing the defined silhouettes of three most mysterious people. In the middle lay an afro so large and so curly many would turn and run at just a glance, the owner of this afro held a glass in his hand with a mysterious brown liquid swilling with in. To the left and right were two shorter men appearing devilishly from the smoke, one sporting a wider berth and a selection of reduced food from Asda (ARR) while the other was slimmer and held food that he had reduced himself in shop known as “Tesco”. These three characters were widely known across the school as Lewis, a man so tall he can see into the future, Hsoj, a man so cruel he once cut his own sons hand off in a playful game of Star Wars (I would say all rights reserved but meh, not as if it’s a multi national brand) and Mole, a man known for being better than Tom Horrex at football. These three men stepped forth with ominous and dark music surrounding them. “Sorry that’s my phone” Hsoj darkly declared before reaching into his pocket and hanging up. Coleman almost ran from the terrifying nature of these three men but he knew that stay he must do if he wanted power and knowledge above all else. “I have come to learneth the ways of Maths and expand my knowledge and power beyond all horizons” Coleman boldly announced to the three figures. “If it is power you seek then Maths is answer to your every desire” Lewis declared. “Follow us if you wish to learn of our ways”. On this all three turned into the smoke and Coleman could do nothing but follow.

In the loud and happy library two friends of Coleman were discussing his many attributes, I would add snippets of their conversation but it’s hard to lie. While discussing the reputation Coleman held across the school as a great man of learning these two friends became worried as to his whereabouts. “Have you seen him upon this day? As I have only once glanced him and he looked most distressed” one friend worriedly dejected. “Well I must concur with your observation as last I saw him he was fighting of Drama students in a bid to reach what seemed to be the “E Block”. Fearing the fate of their most intelligible friend both left the happy confines of the library to seek out Coleman’s loyal assistant who went by the German sounding name of Soanes. Upon finding Soanes both friends tried to interrogate Coleman’s whereabouts out of him but were only to be misled and out witted by Soanes’ youthful sense of humour and intelligence. It was only after a long parry of word games between the two parties that Coleman’s location and his company was revealed. “You will find him in the darkest depths of the E Block, with the three that reside there for his closest company”. On hearing this black revelation the two friends’ fears were confirmed. “Those three have dark repute within this school, their dealings are not of this world, I fear greatly for Coleman’s soul” one friend announced “If he has reached past the blue doors then I fear his soul is already lost, it is a terrible shame to lose such an immensely intelligible man”. On this both friends retired to their separate living quarters with a sense of grave loss hanging in their hearts.  

Deep inside the depths of “E Block” Coleman and the three gatekeepers were walking towards an open door, before reaching this door a small and useless teacher shot out from the classroom in a migraine fuelled stupor, with the smell of Lynx Africa following her. Coleman was taken back in surprise at the unintelligible creature found inside this supposedly knowledgeable place and Lewis, apparent leader of the guardians, explained its existence; “Yeah, not even Rentokil (ARR) can remove her. We even tried humane methods”. At this Coleman nodded, realising it was no more than a pest control problem, hygiene was terrible everywhere these days. After entering the classroom the three motioned Coleman to sit while they used a pre-prepared PowerPoint presentation made by the famous Matt Reason (all rights reserved) to convince Coleman of the power Maths would bring to his own self. Coleman learned that with it he could move mountains, steal riches, make mockery of religious figures and many more pointless and material actions that despite not bringing him any real sense power convinced the great intellectual man to turn to the ways of Maths. Coleman became hungry for this apparent power he could so easily gain and demanded of the great three what he must do to secure it as his. To this they replied in three separate tasks, “You must summon the evil beast of maths and submit to its demands, only then shall you have a minion to serve your every wish” boomed Lewis. “Then you must rid the school of useless and ineffective Maths teachers which led to our poor performance in the recent Ofsted report, I mean, Satisfactory? Come on, were awesome” proclaimed Hsoj. “And finally, if you wish to reach your highest ambitions then you must stop the action of toe punting in football” Mole fiercely enforced. Coleman was shaking, terrified by the vast nature of these demands. He wanted nothing more than the power these three people offered him but he felt that maybe the risk was too high; however, it took no more than an offer of cherry pie to quickly convince Coleman to choose the path of Mathematics. “I can not deny the power you offer me and I know only Maths can bring it to me, your arguments are most convincing and I feel it impossible to decline your terms, I will meeteth all of your demands if I have your word that everything you say shall be true” Coleman unshakably declared. “You have our word and you shall not be denied the power you seek if you see to our three demands in full” the three guardians darkly chimed in unison. “Then show me the books I need to summon the beast and leave this room at once” Coleman boomed, returning to his confident and domineering ways. The three guardians submitted at once, showing him towards the great book of Maths which went by the title of “Pure Mathematics Two” and immediately left the room. Coleman delicately peeled the book open and renounced his old beliefs as he started to chant the spell found within. “Latinus chanti shal bringnus math carpo Devilum, Cometh carpo beastium untoium our globali earthium, cometh greati Jakodellies, CARPO JAK ODELL”. Coleman collapsed to the floor on his last bellow and all energy left him, he had put every part of him into summoning the great beast of Maths. The floor started to spin, smoke filled the room and Coleman was forced to close his eyes in fear, “oh what have I done, forgive me” he cried out as the world seemed to close around him. Then, silence, the room stopped spinning and in the middle appeared a hairy and red beast that could incite fear into any being that even glanced at it, the beast was Jak Odell. 

Can’t wait for the next instalment? Then tough luck because you will get it when I feel like it.  Obviously most people don’t even read these stories but I am my own source of entertainment.